The pain of losing my little giant, Tobey, is at times overwhelming. He was our baby, the most inncocent and ‘pure’ dog in our family. He had the face and personality of a clown, constantly smiling and laughing and always looking lovingly at Angela. He was her little boy, brought into this house when he was a little puppy specifically for her. In his eyes she was a superhero, a mom, a protector a giver of treats and hugs and kisses.

I won’t write about how we found him just yet. I replay it over and over in my mind and it is completely devastating. I’ll probably save that for another time or I’ll keep my agony to myself.

After a day filled with emotions Angela and I decided to turn in early, around 6 or 7. After taking a hot shower and bath we just lay in the darkness. We would talk about our little boy and all the funny things he did. I finally cried myself to sleep.

Before Tobey got ill he learned to walk to my side of the bed to wake me up when he needed to go out. Since he was so large his head would rest right in front of mine and he would sniff and let out a quiet, gentle ‘boof!’ to get me stirring. Last night Jinx did that to me. As I was waking up I looked next to me in the darkness and I briefly thought it was Tobey. In a flash I had a glimmer of hope that he was back and everything during the day was just a bad dream. In an instant I was brought back to reality when Jinx grunted at me.

I wearily brought Farley and Jinx downstairs and let them out back. As I opened the door it was lightly raining. It had been clear all day long but tonight there was a light, cold rain.

The sky was crying with me. Somewhere in the heavens, maybe before joining my Dad, I think Tobey looked down and wept with me. I stood in the doorway and let the water fall on me for a bit.

I miss you so much, baby boy. So, so very much.

This morning Farley has taken to sleeping where Tobey passed away. Farley, the old man who really doesn’t like people touching him, let me lay next to him on the floor and we slept there for a bit.