We’re On A Train To Nowhere – Part 2

Part 1 of this post from a few months ago can be found here. You know, because it takes 3 months for me to get my train of thought back. Train of thought, get it?

I’m still working in downtown DC and I’m still taking the train. This form of mass transit is one of the modern conveniences that we in the metropolitan DC area LOVE to bitch about but can’t live without. It’s kind of like an abusive relationship. The management and the service can sometimes suck but we’ll keep on coming back. And then, Metro, we’ll ride you like there’s no tomorrow…until you betray us and leave us stranded, fuming to never be taken advantage of again.

nearly-empty-metrocar-300wIt is what it is. Other than people watching, reading or listening to the same playlist over and over on my phone I find myself playing a little game called ‘MY METRO CAR HAS BEEN SUCKED INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION AND I MUST FIGHT TO SURVIVE!!’. I’m still working on a catchy name for this game. This is a mental game that doesn’t require you to interact with anyone. In fact, it is probably best if you don’t talk to anyone otherwise your fellow passengers will probably think you’re a complete loon or call security. Why? Because it is an offshoot of my fascination with fighting through hoards of, well, anything.

The very improbable scenario goes like this: You are riding on a train and suddenly a hole to another dimension rips open and sucks in your car. Whether you are stuck in limbo or your car eventually lands depends on how long your ride is and how much you want to stretch this out. You are now stuck in a fight for survival against the rest of the passengers of your car. You will have to do the following:

  • nearly-empty-metrocar-targetsFigure out if  you can commandeer the car peacefully and get everyone to follow you or is this going to be a fight for supremacy?
  • Understand what tools you have at your disposal. This will be either what you’re carrying or what is within reach (fire extinguisher, small hammer to break glass, various newspapers)
  • Realize where you are physically and formulate how you are going to both attack and defend your real estate
  • Is there a suitable queen on board? You’re going to need to have someone to be the Eve to your Adam should you make it out of this predicament
  • Do you have possible allies?
  • Are there other cars in front of you or behind you? If so, will you be able to build up loyal forces to expand your territory?

Ok, so you have all that? Good. I’m pretty sure you can guess the mental aspect of this now: estimating your chances of overpowering the people around you or coercing them into doing your bidding.

Keep in mind this really only works on a sparsely populated car. If you tried to do any of this with a car that is about half full you’re bound to fail. You only have so much room to move about so swinging fists, kicking and all around melee fighting is impeded by the volume of people, the seats and the posts within the car. Plus, the National Capital Region is home to about 5.6 million people. Have you seen the size of some of these people? There are a lot of people around the area that could wipe the floor with you :/

Now, let’s be real: a lot of this is based on your perception of how well you would do against people that you don’t know and that you’re merely sizing up. Someone who looks like they may be a complete wuss may be a Krav Maga expert in real life and may have experience taking down terrorists on a bus or a plain. Yeah, we’re not interested in that. What we’re doing is basing our chances of success solely on the following criteria:

  • The superficial appearances of everyone else on the train
  • Our ideal personal prowess
  • Our perceived ability to carry out every kick-ass fight scene from movies, television, cartoons and comic books in order to succeed.

It could be that I have been riding the Metro for too long. Maybe I should just stick to making up stories of all the freaks that I see.