Something has been stuck in my head recently and it all stems from a deep desire to know the following:

How many [______ fill in the blank ______] can you take in a fight?

This is the first in a four part series investigating something that will probably never happen. Probably.

Kids

I know, this has been linked to and seen across the web for a number of years. The original question popped up around 2005 and an online quiz to judge your ability to take on the rugrats was introduced in 2009. You can visit it at http://www.howmanyfiveyearoldscouldyoutakeinafight.com/ and discover how many 5 year olds you’d be able to incapacitate. According to the quiz:

This short survey will tell you approximately how many five year old children you could fight at once. Results are based on physical prowess, training, swarm-combatting experience, and the flexibility of your moral compass. Here are the ground rules:

  • You are in an enclosed area roughly the size of a basketball court
  • There are no weapons or foreign objects
  • Everyone is wearing a cup (so no kicks to the groin)
  • The children are merciless and will show no fear
  • If a child is knocked unconscious, he is “out.” The same goes for you.

Yes, yes. It sounds mean and evil and morally unjust. However, it is something that I’m sure people have thought of at least once. Me? Every time I walk past a martial arts school or dojo I think about it. I see all the parents sitting along the walls while their kids are in their gi or their dobok running around and practicing their forms and strikes. I remember watching an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer took on a school of 9 year olds and I thought that it was almost a realization of a dream come true! Except the kids were almost twice as old 🙁

Go ahead and deny it. You’ll wind up thinking the same thing every time you walk past a martial arts school like the Tiger Den. I’ve always imagined that as soon as the fight broke out the five year old brawlers would get smarter, sort of like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park. You take a few of them down and then they learn how to open doors, wield tools and eventually take you out.

Or maybe something like Lord of the Flies. All of a sudden the five year old children lose all sense justice and morality and they get in touch with their basic instincts. They become crafty, devious and are able to piece together a strategy based on savagery, anarchy and epic violence. Or, since we’re pretty much talking about the absurd, they link together and form the mighty Voltron…scaled appropriately to the size of children.

In my scenario you’re not just limited to 30 miniature combatants; there is an almost infinite number of kids. It would be more along the lines of I’m on one side of a room trying to get to another room just beyond the mass of kids. Get to the other side of the room, close the door and game over – tally up the number casualties. The other outcome would be not making it to the other side of the room and the kids pummel me to unconsciousness. The initial fight seems simple enough: take out as many of them as possible as quickly as possible. This means that during a flurry of kicks and punches I would frequently pick one up and use it either as a weapon or toss them with enough force to push the oncoming horde back a bit and give me time to breathe.

And there, my friends, is the rub: having time to breathe. In the face of a swarm of 5 year old children they have multiple advantages over you for a long term battle. They’ve got youth, they’re pretty malleable and flexible, and more importantly is that they have numbers. Sure, you’ve got size, strength and speed but that box of Krispy Kreme donuts you pounded earlier in the day is going to get to you. Those numbers, though, are what’ll do you in. You get enough of those toddlers grabbing onto your limbs and you would soon find yourself unable to move effectively. This means that you wouldn’t be able to use choke holds and very little to no grappling.

Heaven forbid you introduce any non-projectile weapons into this fight.

I think I’ll rewatch The Bride vs. The Crazy 88’s for inspiration. BTW, probably NSFW due to blood and gore.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZskkweNNCk[/youtube]

In the event that I ever find myself in this situation, facing fearless children with the sole purpose of taking me down I think I’d be able to take on about 40 or so. Any more than that and I would probably be completely gassed and beaten senseless.

Next post: The zombie question.