Why do teenagers exist?

The mall. We went to the mall. This place is virtually a Bunny Buffet. The only bad thing about it? Most of the time ogling a bunny at the mall would land you in jail as they are typically teens. And the worst part of this teen age phenomenon? For the most part I CAN’T TELL HOW OLD THE YOUNG GIRLS ACTUALLY ARE! Which makes me feel like a dirty old man at times. A dirty, old man who is paranoid that just by thinking a young woman is attractive the FBI is about to pounce on me.

What exactly is it that makes kids these days want to grow up so quickly? True, I remember (as much as this feeble old brain will let me) when I was a kid wanting to be an adult: hanging out with my friends, smoking those cigarettes that were actually bubble gum, feeling sneaky for getting into an R-rated movie, and trying to sit with the adults when there was a family gathering rather than playing with the other kids. But let’s face it, I’m talking about a time when I was maybe 9 or 10 years old. These days many kids are already smoking real cigarettes, dressing like they’re in their early 20’s and, sadly enough, having sex. When did it become a crime for a kid to be a kid? Was it really much simpler when I was a kid?

Walking through the mall I noticed three things:

1. Teenage boys are allowed out of the house for what reason? For the love of humanity, was I this stupid when I was a teen? Please tell me I didn’t dress as crappy as kids today. Oy, vey. Horrible. One of the contemporary styles of young American men is an oversized t-shirt. Yeah, ok. I have no problem with that. Angela and I were walking and saw a stupid kid wearing a belt that had a blue, scrolling LCD so that you put messages on it. And then he tucked the front of his shirt into his pants so you could read it. Idiot. In a club scene, sure I’ll give it to you. Knock yourself out and wear something as goofy as that. But at the bunny buffet? I hope he’s struck down by a lightning bolt. AND HE WAS WEARING A TRUCKER CAP. As long as we’re ragging on teen males, let’s also say that their haircuts are awful. Stupid looking I-just-got-out-of-bed-70s-wannabe-or-Oasis-worhsipper-shag-cuts. Teenage boys? I hate you. I have no idea what teenage girls see in you. Don’t even get me on suburban teens trying to dress like rappers. Stop it, I say. Just stop it. You teen age boys are the reason why BF Skinner invented the Skinner Box.

2. Teenage girls can be hot. Yes, yes – it sounds disturbing. How do you think I feel? There is nothing worse than walking through the bunny buffet and seeing the back of a young woman and thinking ‘whoa! she’s hot!’, only to actually walk past her and find out that she’s probably only 14. UGH! How deceptive is this? Aren’t 14 year olds supposed to be still wearing their Winnie the Pooh sweatshirts?! These days it is hip hugger shorts that ride below the hips and tight shirts that show cleavage. It really, really disturbs me. This is why I absolutely loved the concept at the Mall of Americas in Minnesota: after 7:30 nobody under the age of 16 is allowed. It may be 18, I can’t remember. But at least ogling a college kid didn’t make me feel like a pedo.

3. Item #2 really screws up my radar. You know, I pride myself on having a built in radar that can pick out a good looking woman from within a one mile radius. It is my own personal Aegis class system, if you will, for finding bunnies. However, walking through the mall with all the various age groups who are trying to dress and act in a different age group really drives me nuts. Older women trying to dress and act like teens, teens trying to dress and act like twenty somethings and the twentsomethings all away at college. Angela, wonderful, beautiful, fantastical wife that she is even plays along with me just to see what I think is an attractive woman. Case in point: we were walking by the Pacific Coast Sunwear and right as we passed the store I say to her “Yoinks! There was a bunny in there”. She didn’t believe me because there really wasn’t enough time for a normal person to see. Oh, no. Not me. I tell her it was a girl in a blue shirt. She indulges me and we go in. She actually goes in, scopes her out and then we leave. Her verdict? “She had a nice rack, too.”

So there you have it. My trip to the bunny buffet today. Sometimes I wish that I was younger and then I remember item #1 above and realize that if I was, I would hate myself. Cheers to age and experience.