The other day Angela and I were about to bound into IHOP when we realized that there was no way in Hell that we were going to wait for 30 minutes for some pancakes. Instead of hanging out with the mass of people gathering at the door we decided that we’d try something different by grabbing some food from a small bagel shop across the street – The Ashburn Bagel Shop. The bagel shop gets some pretty good Yelp! reviews so we decided that why not take the adventure and support a small, local business.

The Asuburn Bagel Shop has a weird nickname/slogan: Karate Bagels Dance. Why? There is a karate dojo to the left of it and there used to be a dance studio to the right. When you would look at the outside of the shop it looked like the name of the store was Karate Bagels Dance. The shop is a little small and has local sports memorabilia on the walls (mostly high school, Redskins, and the Steelers). Along one wall, right next to the fridges containing cream cheeses and drinks, they have a wall where you can post pictures of your pets. Oh, they really are trying to woo me as a regular customer, aren’t they?

The bagels that we got were pretty good for Northern Virginia consisting of a nice crusty outside but moist, chewy inside. However, they did have a number of specialty sandwiches. The one that caught my eye, though, was one that shared the name of at least two women I know – The Ashley. Well, one friend is named Ashleigh and she lives in Sydney, Australia. My other acquaintance is named exactly like the sandwich and recently moved back to the states from Sydney.

As you can see, the sandwich is a dream snack for Elvis Presley – peanut butter and sliced banana on a chocolate chip bagel.

A week went by and my curiosity was getting the best of me, kind of like a gastronomical Pandora’s Box. I made it my mission to taste this bagel. Angela dropped me off in front of the bagel shop and waited for me in the car somewhat intrigued by The Ashley and also somewhat fearful of it. When I emerged from the shop I excitedly jumped into the car and displayed my bounty to Angela who both laughed and wretched at the same time. The smell was both the strange, sweet smell of peanut butter intermixed with chocolate and a hint of the banana. I then put the thing in the passenger side storage compartment so as not to accidentally kill my wife with what could only be described as. We couldn’t take the top down on our car because it was raining and the smell was enough to be over powering if left unchecked.

We went to breakfast with our friend Amy and The Ashley patiently waited for our return. Breakfast with Amy ended and we eventually got home. I unwrapped the bagel and was greeted with…peanut-butter-‘nana mush.

I think I may have made a mistake letting it sit in the car.

The peanut butter was all sorts of gooey (mental note: asking for a toasted bagel results in changing the viscosity of said peanut butter) and the bananas were plentiful. It was considerably awkward to eat as the bananas kept trying to slip out and the peanut butter would just ooze out from between the bagel whenever you tried to take a bite. The chocolate chip bagel was pretty unrecognizable as its taste was overwhelmed by the other ingredients. The saltiness of the peanut butter was delicately countered by the banana. All in all I give it a grade of a C/C+.

Would it be something that Elvis would have enjoyed? Sure, if it was something that he could eat in bed while watching and shooting his televisions after a cocaine fueled binge. It falls just short of his favorite sandwich (probably due to the lack of bacon) but is infinitely healthier than the other sandwich that is eternally associated with him, the Fool’s Gold Loaf. It is definitely filling and a mouthful but the saltiness needs something else or something more to counteract it. After digesting the thing after a while it made me feel a little heavy and slow, like someone was intentionally filling my blood vessels with Elmer’s glue.

BTW, Ashley, it seems apropos that the sandwich right next would be something known as the Gassman.

And now for a few more Tums…