Remember this?

RECAP: What does it mean to be a man? Not a superhero or a celebrity, just a regular guy. There are many types of men, of course, so choosing the base characteristics of manhood seems to be an almost impossible task. Studies throughout the ages have defined the traits across almost every culture and period of history imaginable. But the question still persists:

What does it take to be a Man?

Well, my friends, through very un-scientific discovery (I just sat at my computer and produced this brain vomit) I’m going to tell you what it takes to be a man.

Let’s continue, shall we?

Being a man means that you are genetically wired to have favorite stores
There is a holy trinity of stores for men: the hardware store, the electronics store and, to be honest,the book store. Ask Angela. When I’m feeling bad and need to find myself in a comfort zone, I tend to go to one of three happy places – Home Depot, Best Buy or Barnes & Noble. I’m pretty sure that if you’re a guy you probably have other favorite stores. However, these three are are like a lighthouse on on a foggy night. Plus, there are enough different gadgets and things in each location to keep those with short attention spans busy for hours. HOURS. Think about it. If you go in a particular order – book store, hardware store and then electronics store – you can buy all of the ingredients necessary to create an army of RoboRaptors (http://www.roboraptoronline.com/) armed with death lasers!

Bonus: Home Depot has the hotdog stand out front. That right there gives a man sustenance to continue shopping. Ah, yes. Hot dogs, soft pretzels and candy. Mmmmm. If need by, I might also throw in a garden shop…but I suppose that won’t make my list until I get around to writing the article ‘What it takes to be an OLD man’.

We can make light of bodily functions and fluids.
Heck, some men revel in farting. Others find pooping humourous. Vomiting, spitting, sneezing, snot. Almost everything is either funny or fascinating. Men blowing snot rockets in the winter? Both disgusting and amazing. Letting out a silent but deadly in a crowded room and then watching people’s expressions as they look around to see who did it (while you maintain an innocent face)? Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. If we can belch out the alphabet all the way to the first letter in our first name, then we are considered Gods. Especially anyone named Xavier or Zack. Cuts and bruises? Red badges of courage. There will even be those days where we may look at a festering wound on our bodies and ask you ‘Does this smell like root beer to you?’ because we’re honestly curious about it. Plus, chicks dig scars.

Man’s best friend is his dog.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Our dogs are like our most loyal companions who don’t ask or question anything that we do or say. When we’re getting dressed in the morning, the dog doesn’t say ‘That shirt really doesn’t go with those pants’. No! The dog will just look you square in the face and yawn. All men need dogs! Let’s take a hypothetical: you’re a single man who just brought home a woman that people could have sworn was swinging from the bells in the cathedral bell tower not too long ago and you slept with her. Your dog won’t care and he won’t judge. Your best guy friends may feel the need to vomit and question your sanity – your dog will just look at you happily asking when dinner will be put down.

Fact: walking you dog – no, your puppy – across a college campus is one quick, sure fire way to score women’s phone numbers.

Will a cat do that for you? No. Cat’s are too aloof. Cats are women. Men are dogs. Ergo men bond with their dogs because they really are our best friends, our confidant and our excuses. Who ripped the really foul fart? Point at the dog. Is the dog going to call you effeminate if you happen to cry at the end of Steel Magnolias? No. Is the dog going to even question why you’re watching Steel Magnolias? I think not. Hence, real men love and have dogs.

Again, I grow tired.  Part III will be coming down the pipe sooner or later.  If you have suggestions, feel free to forward them a long.