In a fit of masochism, I went out on Black Friday – the day after Thanksgiving – at 5am to see what the shopping was like. I had done it in the past when I lived in Centreville, but that was almost a decade ago. I actually had fun doing it and I remember the joy that I found when I scored a $10 Christmas tree. But that was then and times change. The Northern Virginia area has become even more densely populated (populated with dense people?!) and I’m now in Loudoun County, one of the “richest” counties in the state.

All I wanted to do was pick up a few things and I thought to myself, “Bah! All this hoohah about Black Friday is hogwash!” (As an aside, do you like how I sound like Mr. Potter from “It’s A Wonderful Life”?) So I smooched Angela on the head, gave the pooches treats and went forth into the dark, 16 degree morning. Armed with my favorite courdaroy hunting jacket and gloves I was determined to see how bad it could get.

Oh. Dear. God.

5 fridggin’ a.m. and the line outside Target was huge and had started to wrap around the corner of the building. Young people, old people, and children were all very well represented. Blacks, whites, asians. It was a veritable United Nations. Nothing like crass commercialism and the hint of saving a buck to rally people together.

These sick bastards pretty much made the parking lot look like it was a regular weekday. Again: 5 fucking a.m.!!! I said screw it and I decided to see how Best Buy was doing. The lines for the cashiers wrapped around the store. Bedlam I say! BEDLAM! The parking lot was packed. If any of the surrounding stores had their wits about them they would have opened up for the customer overflow.

I really wanted to hit the mall or some other stores but, unfortunately, the whole thing started to scare and depress me. The kids with their parents looked like they were plucked from the photos of war torn countries – silently pleading for help while being caught in the captivity of parental bargain hunting.

I promptly went home and crawled back in the bed. It is going to be a loooooooooooooooooooong holiday season.