None.

Ok, maybe that answer was too simplistic. But after thinking the entire thing through that was my final answer. For the past two posts I’ve considered how many 5 year olds I could best and the number of zombies I could conquer. With this installment we’re examining an enemy that has a significant advantage over me:

They’re tons better at ass kicking than I would ever be.

Let’s be real here, folks. A ninja would probably kill me before I even got to any type of playing field or arena. It would be something as simple as ‘Man, I’m soooo thirsty. I really need something to quench my thirst and rejuvenate me before I walk into this arena and kick some major ninja butt. Oh, look! A Sponge Bob juice box with my name on it! Thanks!’

**sip**

***THUD***

They are professional killers; the velociraptors of the world of assassins. I’m…I…well…I smile a lot. Anyone remember the story last year about the muggers in Sydney who picked the wrong place to pick on a German exchange student? Yeah, that would be my luck. They struck fear into the assailants with their mere presence. If you read the article you’d see that it was 3 muggers versus 5 ninjas, all dressed in black WITH THEIR BELTS ON! NINJAS WITH BELTS!

THEIR BELTS! My word, if I saw that I would want to make sure the rest of their accessories matched their outfits. At which point the ass kicking would begin.

“WTF, Ninja?! Really? A black, stealthy outfit and hood with black tabi shoes and a brown belt? EGAD!”

Even if it was a weapons battle I wouldn’t have a prayer. Swords, grappling hooks, exotic weapons, eggs filled with poison and glass, shuriken. On the slim chance that we’d all be outfitted with the same weapons as soon as the ‘Go!’ alert was sounded I’d look like Swiss cheese. Or I’d accidentally trip and kill myself.

Ninjas. Master killers who are the silent bringers of death in the night. The only silent death I bring at night is after too much Taco Bell.

I don’t think I’d even have a chance in a room of 5 year old ninjas 🙁