My office is on the 11th floor of one of the white towers in Bethesda. This means that everyday that I truck my ass into that place I have to ride the elevator up numerous floors. Sometimes it is like Russian roulette – you ride alone or you ride with at least one other person. While taking this vertical journey I found my mind racing about numerous things with regards to the elevator

• The opening scene to Speed. I remember when this Keaneau Reeves/Sandra Bullock movie came out and I was so pissed off at the beginning. A bomb is planted on an elevator and the man with the perpetual look of ‘duh’ on his face and his partner are tasked with saving all the people that are trapped. There is this final woman who keeps saying ‘I’m scared! I can’t do it!’. As they finally perform their daring rescue the elevator crashes to the ground several stories below. I would have left her. Really. I can’t stand gutless people who are too scared to do things. Man, that just pissed me off. Oh, boohoo! What’s that you freaking manatee? You’re too scared to save your life and get out of an elevator? Uh, ok. Buh-bye.
• Multiple people in the elevator. I can go either way on this. Sometimes I wonder why people don’t talk. Even a casual ‘hello’ or at least the recognition of everyone else’s existence by making eye contact. Oh, but no. As soon as people walk into an elevator BAM! The eyes either focus on the ground, on the elevator buttons or into space. For God’s sake, people. Look your fellow man in the eyes. On the other hand, sometimes I don’t want to be spoken to. Just say ‘hello’ or give me that knowing nod. Wait until I give you some type of verbal or physical cue to begin talking to me.
• Hey, look! A fashion show! Oh, like you don’t compare what other people are wearing. I do it all the time. Hey, Mr. Chevy Chase Bank Executive! Nice suit! But who wears burgundy/cordoban shoes with a black suit and no belt? Hey, Lady with the sweater with all the cats on it! You scare me! Oh, Mr. Bike Messenger! That’s a really nice messenger bag you’ve got going on.
• What would happen if I were stuck in an elevator for an extended period of time? I’ve played this scenario multiple ways in my head.
  • Scenario 1 – by myself: I would just hang out, take a nap, curse the world that things like this always happen to me
  • Scenario 2 – with another woman: Hmmm, I wonder if I could make out with her. This scenario works with multiple women as well. Hey, this is my blog in Michael-land. Oh, and before you even ask if I’m just talking about young, nubile young ladies I’m not. It doesn’t matter who, I’d still try. You never know if Keaneau will make it in time to save you, so you may as well make the best of it.
  • Scenario 3 – with another man: I picture something like Lord of the Flies. If it is multiple men, then I picture the Battle Royal scene in Ralph Ellison’s The Invisible Man. Oh, sure, I could have a lovely conversation with them about their families and what they want to do when the elevator is fixed but it would be more fun to beat everyone else into submission
  • Scenario 4 – multiple genders: A mix of men and women in the car. I would try to pit the women against the men. That’s right – MINE! That’s right! I get all the bunnies! You bastards stay over on your side of the elevator while we give each other massages over here!

Ah, the elevator. Sort of like Las Vegas: What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Knowing me and my luck I’d get caught with my finger in my nose by the security cameras. And they would show it on the evening news.