“The Scenic View Was A Pisser”

Last Friday proved to be a long one at work. This time of year tends to do that: you go to work while it is dark and when you leave there’s no sunlight. Everything you do seems to crawl at a snail’s pace and you’re driving yourself insane just trying to make it to the end of the work day with out your brain turning to mush.

It was with great glee that I accepted the offer by Matt to go out for a drink after work. Although I could only stay for a little bit because of previous plans, it was nice to get out with Matt and Todd and just shoot the shit and drink. The only problem with this? All day long I drink Diet Pepsi and coffee. Going out for beers after work only reinforced the obvious: I’m an idiot.

We drank and talked for a good hour or two. After 4 pints I was ready to take off for my next engagement. The train ride back to my car rattled my innards and made me feel like a water balloon about to burst. I really had to pee.  Let’s look at the number of places where I could have used the bathroom:

• At the coffee shop on my way to the Metro train
• At the McDonald’s at the end of my train ride
• At the Baja Fresh half-way between the train and my car
• At the television studio in the building where the Baja Fresh is
• In a dark corner on my way to my car
• Next to my car

Like a complete dumbass, what do I do? I tell myself ‘I can make it!’. So, I gingerly slide into my car clenching and hoping not to let loose an explosion of urine in my suit and car. Off I went, feeling every bump in the road, every pothole, stopping and starting and causing me to get dizzy because I was concentrating on not peeing. My vision started to get blurry. I started practicing what could only be described as the lamaze breathing method.

Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer.

The GW Parkway has several of these areas with ‘Scenic Views’. I found this blog that has several nice pictures to help describe what happens next.  When my body finally told me ‘Stupid! Do something about this now or I’m going to give up and just let it all go!’ I decided to pull off at one of the Scenic Views. Luckily, there were no other cars in the parking area and it was dark. It was so dark that the lights from traffic did very little to illuminate the area. It was fantastic.

After parking my car I could have easily scurried off someplace and jumped behind a tree or into some bushes. I could have taken a whizz on my car’s tire. Instead, I decided to take in the Scenic View. It was, as advertised, scenic. I stood atop the stone wall that overlooked the Potomac, unzipped and proceded to piss on Virginia. With traffic unable to see what’s going on and the darkness enveloping me, I looked out upon the river several hundred feet below me. This was magnificent!

In my glorious moment, I put my hands at my waist and breathed in the crisp, winter air – all the while a stream of urine coming from my body. I was a king! A urinating king! And this was my kingdom! There is only one minor problem to this: I’m scared of heights. As it dawned on me that I was so many feet in the air I started to feel anxious and I started to stumble. I started getting so unstable that I fell back and off the wall.

No, I didn’t land on my back and pee myself. Instead, I kept trying to maintain my footing but it was pretty difficult when your body is doing its best impression of a lawn sprinkler. I wound up peeing all over the wall I was standing on, the parking lot and the wheel of my truck, all the while screaming ‘AAAGH!’ and trying to ‘get a grip on things’ to get the whizzing under control. I kept twisting and turning, hoping not to piss on something that would spray the urine back on me.

When it was all said and done I couldn’t stop laughing. I had scored a victory! A lame victory, but one nonetheless!

And, naturally, I felt relieved.