First things first: I was supposed to write my all new Origins of Thanksgiving Day story last week. And, truth be told, I started to do it. And then I actually read what I started writing. Afterwards, I punched myself in the crotch for writing it. You know how some things seem like a good idea at the time but then when you get right down to it…not so much? This was one of those times. Trying to write a story around the main points started to make the thing sound down right dumb. Ok, dumber than what it already was. In summary, here is why we celebrate Thanksgiving:

  1. Pilgrims avoided religious and fashion persecution in England
  2. Hop on a ship and make their way to the New World
  3. Chased by a giant robot turkey which was out to destroy them in the name of the Anglican Church
  4. Aided by the Native Americans, some monkeys, a few coconuts and the three guys with the muskets (yes, the Musketeers) they are able to destroy the giant robot turkey
  5. Celebration ensues
  6. We eat a turkey as a symbolic means of saying ‘Kicked your ass, didn’t we?’ to evil, giant robotic turkeys everywhere

You see what I mean? Anyhow, on with the post…

I was home in Northern Virginia over the Thanksgiving holiday. Man, was I busy. Between spending time with the family, seeing friends and doing dog walks I really had very little free time. In fact, I spent a good amount of my time in the car driving from one place to another. Wednesday evening was the great migration from North Carolina to Northern Virginia; from Thursday to Sunday I did about 8 dog walks each day throughout Sterling, Leesburg and Ashburn; I had to drive to meet family and friends and then finally on Sunday night I had the great 4.5 hour exodus back to North Carolina.

Hanging out in the car so long during the early morning hours of the weekend I was able to listen to all the crappy programming. There were Public Service Announcements and tons of infomercials. The bad part about it is that at one point two stations in the area had each programmed 3 hour blocks of infomercials. And not just any infomercials. Oh, no. These were righteous. Ladies and gentlemen, after flipping through three hours of commercials peddling various products related to this topic, I am now ready to shell out thousands of dollars for…

…colon cleansing.

Good Lord. There was a good chunk of my life I’ll never get back. But that’s ok, because according to the commercials cleaning out my colon will help me feel better. My skin will clear up, I won’t get sick, I’ll be happier, I’ll be able to think clearer and concentrate better, I’ll be energized and, if there was anymore hype, an empty, healthy colon would bring our dead cat back to life. At first I didn’t know what to think. Should I change the station? I did. And I wound up on the other station hawking the same stuff.

So I decided to listen. I made a game of it and I tried to figure out how many different ways they could say ‘poop’ without actually saying it. The big winner was ‘eliminate’. Meh. Somewhat anticeptic. As my morning went on I started feeling paranoid. What if what they were saying was true?? What if I do get an impacted colon like Elvis Presley or John Wayne??? MY BODY ISN’T ABLE TO ABSORB NUTRIENTS BECAUSE OF IMPACTED POOP! I got agitated. I started believing the radio. I was going to fork over my money once I got home! I WILL BE CLEANSED! I WILL BE HEALTHY! I WILL BE ONE EMPTY MO’FO! Thank you Mother Nature’s Miracle for showing me the way! Thank you Dual Action Cleanse for giving me the insight that I needed to rid my body of toxins! Dr. Natura, I will heed your call! I will not suffer from:

  • Headaches
  • Skin problems
  • Bad breath or body odor
  • Depression
  • Mental dullness
  • Low energy
  • Stomach bloat or gas
  • Poor digestion
  • Weight gain or unnecessary weight loss
  • Constipation
  • Premature aging
  • illnesses & degenerative diseases

That was the thought. And then I made the mistake of looking it up online. Yes, there were bad reviews and warnings. Of course there were people accusing this of being snake oil sales. That wasn’t the killer for me.

I made the mistake of typing ‘colon cleansing’ into the Google search bar. There were pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Oh, and on this side of the computer there was gagging. Lots and lots of gagging.
I’m going to go hide under my blankets now and pray that I never, ever have to poop…er…’eliminate’…again.