Oy. That last thread went over well. Thanks for taking one for the team, Sid. Liz, don’t make me suspend your account.
Portnoy asked if I have any dirty little tricks. Here is one of my favorites.
Be confident; be determined. Earlier I said that you should be confident with yourself. When you enter a target rich environment find out who you think is interesting and who you want to get to know better. Ok, now that you’ve got that out of the way, be prepared for one of 3 things:
- You will be phenomenally successful with your wit and charm
- You will encounter obstacles
- You will be go down in flames and be scarred emotionally for the next three days
If you’re successful, what are you reading this for? Go read something else and come back here in a few days. If you go down in flames, suck it up and go out there again after a while. There are 7 billion people in the world. There’s gotta be someone out there for you. Let’s look at dealing with your obstacles.
The Dancing Ring of Estrogen Death. Does anyone remember the game “Starcastle”? There was this canon surrounded by rotating energy rings. You manned a space ship and fired lasers at the castle walls. The castle, however, had little stars that would seek you out and destroy you. Shoot enough pieces of the wall and it would regenerate. If you didn’t time your shot well the canon in the middle would shoot a giant energy burst and destroy you. This, my friends, is a metaphor for you meeting that special someone in a club. The target which tickles your fancy is the canon in the middle. And do you know what the castle walls are? The castle walls are actually the “Dancing Ring of Estrogen Death”.
Here’s how this works: a group of women go out dancing. They all know that in their pack there is probably one or two women who attract men like bears to honey. Unfortunately, you’ve got a Mother Love Jones for one of them. They all go out to the dance floor and the hot chick dances either in the middle or behind all her other friends. As you try to shimmy and boogie your way to the hot chick you encounter one of her friends who runs interference. You move to the right, the wall moves to the right or you’re met with another of her friends. You move to the left and you’re met with the slightly homely girl with sharp elbows wearing the leggings which are just a little too tight. Beyond this undulating ring of estrogen you can see the prize – the pretty girl smiling and laughing and inviting you to undertake this Sisyphian task.
How do you get around this? Well, no. You don’t start punching them, dumb ass. This is where your charm and wit (and sometimes wallet) lull them into complacency. Don’t claw your way towards the middle. You’ll wind up being the sacrificial goat thrown to the ogre living under the bridge. Rather than trying to force your way to the hot pants beyond the great wall, make nice-nice with one or more of her foot soldiers.
I hate to say this, but pretend that your intended target was one of them rather than the slinky bunny in the middle.
This requires patience. They can smell the fear on you and you WILL be met with a lot of skepticism. Persevere, my friend. Chat them up. Dance with them. Dance with more than one at a time. Buy them drinks. Dance with them some more. Do not, however, bring up the topic of the hot chick in the middle. There are reasons for this:
- The castle walls will think you don’t really have an interest in the hot pants
- The hot pants will see how much fun you’re having with her gargoyles and will be intrigued
- The hot pants will feel that if you can make her friends laugh and have a good time then you must be a nice guy
Keep this up. After about 3 drinks the Dancing Ring will start to relax. Here’s the cool part. You go out to dance with them again – hot pants on one side of the Dancing Ring and you on the other – but as you’re laughing and gyrating and twisting, stare one of the foot soldiers in the face sing the lyrics of whatever song you’re listening too really loud. She’ll sing with you, trust me. And then sort of dance with her, all the while slowly turning her as you circle around her. Voila. You are now INSIDE the Dancing Ring of Death and pretty much free to lay your mack down on the hot pants.
Hopefully the hot pants were worth it and she’s either really nice, smart, intelligent and beautiful or just really hot and a tramp who puts out like nobody’s business.
ok, that’s better! Gimme more! I know there’s more!
Thanks, Michael for that interesting method of how to meet a woman. Sounds like a lot of trouble! Now, for those *attractive* men looking to meet the girl of your dreams, here’s how to do it:
Approach her, tell her she’s beautiful and buy her a drink.
^ Wow. That was pretty useless. And about as funny as cancer. I don’t think you get “it” with his posts.
My girlfriends do the Dancing Ring Of Death! It is almost exactly how you described it. I tjink you’ve done a very good job of neutralizing it. Sometimes we even have our guy friends look out for us and act a “decoy” boyfriends.
I don’t think buying a woman a drink and telling her she’s beautiful works that well for good looking men. Women are suspicious of that tactic, especially if you don’t have the personality or sincerity to back it up. It definitely wouldn’t work with the woman of your dreams because she’s already probably heard all that before. If the woman of your dreams is brainless or slutty then your chances are probably better with that. Personally, I find that pretty boring and not very creative at all.
I guess I have to s-p-e-l-l it out – If you have a lot going for you, you don’t need a way to break into the ring. Your charm and wit will speak for itself.
Not sure what “it” is though. You might have to s-p-e-l-l it out.
I think you’re a little wrong. The context of this is that it takes place in a club. There really aren’T clubs like those in DC, NY, Vegas or Miami here. There definitely isn’t the same amount of people or money around here. But after going to places like Platinum or Fur in DC you come to appreciate the ring more. There really is no opportunity on the dancefloor to tell if a person is witty or charming.
Michael, if I move up from Cary you’ll have to put me in contact with your wife & girlfriends! They sound like they would be a blast to hang out with! I’m really tired of having to live where almost every other woman looks like a soccer mom who shops at Coldwater Creek!
Btw, Angela & Sidney, I met Michael at the Cary dog park and he was such a wonderful guy to talk to who really cared for all the dogs. I think we went out for dinner after the third time I met him! He was well loved at the park by both the animals and the humans!
Barf.
I’m from Chicago. I know about clubs.
I don’t know anyone that shops at CC ‘cept for old fat ladies. My Mom doesn’t even shop there!
So you’re Mom is an old fat lady?
Michael, isn’t this the girl that lied to your face at the NIEHS Lockheed contract in North Carolina? Can you ban her already? I thought that she wasn’t welcome here. For someone who treated you like shit she sure is stalking you. Fact: Anything anyone says she turns it so the attention is back on her.
If you don’t ban her then I implore everyone to please ignore her.
Back on topic
I’ve seen the Ring of Death. My wife used to be one of the girls that was protected. Luckily I got to meet her someplace other than a club and without her friends around. It is sad that women have to do that, though. Another metaphor that comes to mind is an ovary and sperm. YOu get the idea.
Kristin, let me know when you’re coming up. It would be great to see you again! I’d love to see you and your big, fluffy white pooch again! And before anyone asks, Kristin owns a large white dog. That wasn’t a euphamism for something else. The shopping up here is infinitely better! You’ll love meeting Sidney. She’s a shopaholic, too. Plus you guys are about the same size. You can share clothes! Oh, meow…
Scurvy, yes, she’s the one that treated me like shit in NC. However, I’m not banning anyone. I’ll moderate posts for spamming purposes but if someone is going to post here that’s there perogative. I’m not standing in anyone’s way if they wish to make themselves look like a hypocritical fool. Do what I do and ignore them.
As far as the Ring of Death is concerned, I’ve only encountered it twice in my life and that was way back in college. When you’re sitting at a bar and watching things play out you could only wish you had one of those devices that lets you draw out plays like they do on sports. And commentary. That would be cool. “Bachelor #2 is aiming for the right side, does a juke move, spins and…DENIED! Bachelor #2 is blocked by the defense’s left side halter-top wearing tackle!”