I have recently been told that I should consider anti-depressants and I don’t know how to take that. All of my life I’ve lived a certain way and it has never, ever required me to take drugs to change the way I think. I normally think taking drugs as a sign of weakness. For instance, it’s taken my doctor 10 years to talk me into taking Lipitor for my cholestoral. I recently caved in agreed to take it.

It almost killed me. I had an allergic reaction to something that completely laid me out.

Which is why I’ve been skeptical about taking any type of anti-depressant. First, I think that if I take something to ‘change me’ then I wouldn’t be ‘me’. Love me for who I am and all, no? Bumps, warts and all. Second, do I really seem like I need an anti-depressant? Which immediately made me think of Joe Pesci in ‘Goodfellas’ –

While seeking the assistance of a mental health professional she told me when she immediately saw me that I look like I have a heavy burden on my shoulders and that I look tired. Which depressed me. However, speaking to her made me realize something – death has been a huge component of my life recently and I think that it’s taking its toll on me.

I’m not going to go all the way back to my teen years. You kids today want emo? You have no idea what emo was. Back in the 80’s we pushed the emo movement into the mainstream. But we also mixed it with punk rock. Oh, if my nieces and cousins only knew what growing up as a teen ‘in my time’ was like. Hell, I thought that I was only going to live until I was 32 and then I’d kick the bucket.

I won’t even go back as far as 9/11 or the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I’ve lost friends in all three. What’s been hitting me hard recently is thinking of the deaths I’ve encountered over the past six years.

• Eli Koch – one of my employees while at Lockheed
• Sankara Gunda – one of my employees that passed away after I left LM
• Ricardo Ronase – my grandfather
• Martin Jevicky – My friend that I shared an office with when I worked at Lockheed in North Carolina
• Lucretia Ronase – my grandmother
• Tia – Angela’s cat
• Renato Inguillo – my dad
• Tobey – my dog

Compound this with all of the other things going on in my life now maybe taking an anti-depressant isn’t such a bad thing. Maybe then I won’t be consumed with thinking about death all the time.