The Joys of Weird Easter Candies

Ah, yes. Easter is just around the corner. Rather than get into all the hullaballoo about religion and all, let me hit on a topic near and dear to my heart: freaky-ass Easter candy. Enough chit-chat! Let’s get to it!

That’s Bull
Who in their right mind WOULDN’T want this? A bull that poops out jelly beans! Oh, man. The mixture of gross out factor plus bizarro factor make this a must have. I hear the also have a cow, a pig and a sheep. I could have an entire farm of jelly bean pooping animals on my desk! THINK OF THE POWER!
Gummy Fried Egg
This is so bad it must be good! What, exactly, is a gummy anything? A gelatinous mass of sugar. Well, here we have a gelatinous mass of sugar in the form of a fried egg! I’m surprised children aren’t buying this stuff by the case! It makes me believe that if I broke open a Cadbury Creme Egg and fried the contents of it, this is what I would get.

Edible Grass
Your pooping farm animals need someplace to wander. Why not have them poop their jelly beans on edible grass? This candy is made for decorative purposes (cakes, Easter baskets) and the novelty of it is that it is green and stringy. Like the fake, plastic green stuff that you used to get in your baskets. Do I see a problem here? What if you give this to your kid one year and the next you use the fake stuff. Bah. Best not to worry about it and just eat the fake grass with the mini fake animal poop. Mmmmm…jelly poop.

The Peep
The Peep has been the mainstay of Easter candies. Little candy covered marshmallow diabete bombs that come in the form of bunnies and baby chicks. What amazes me the most is now they have this – the Peep in a chocolate egg! OMG! CANDY BALUT! Don’t know what Balut is? You search for it on the internet. You may want to turn off images when you lok for it, though. This makes me believe that this is what you get in the Candy Universe – either a Cadbury Creme Egg or a Candy Peep in Chocoloate Egg. Crack one open and you either get a Peep or the makings of the Gummy Fried Egg. GENIUS!

Cadbury Mini-Eggs
Oh, man. These things were trouble. My mom would buy these whenever she would come back from shopping when we were kids. We used to have a candy dish which was filled with those little bite-sized Snickers, Baby Ruths, packs of Wrigley’s Doublemint (Mom’s favorite), sometimes those Starlight mints and then these things. The chocolate was so milky but not too sweet and the candy covering gave it just enough ‘snap’ when you bit into it. I could gorge on a good number of these in one sitting.

Ah, yes. All of this right after visiting my dentist last week and getting fillings. I’M A REBEL! I’ll post more favorites soon. Right now, I feel the need to wander the candy aisle at Target and see what other tooth rotting agents are out there.