What does it mean to be a man? Not a superhero or a celebrity, just a regular guy. There are many types of men, of course, so choosing the base characteristics of manhood seems to be an almost impossible task. Studies throughout the ages have defined the traits across almost every culture and period of history imaginable. But the question still persists:

What does it take to be a Man?

Well, my friends, through very un-scientific discovery (I just sat at my computer and produced this brain vomit) I’m going to tell you what it takes to be a man.

Being a man means you don’t have to use coupons.
This is a very sore point of contention for some. Yes, there is a part of you that says being frugal is the way to go. But, dang nabbit, why do you have to be the one who has to go shopping for the household and then when you are about to finish checking out of the store you have to present the bunny behind the counter with the coupons that your wife cut out for you?? Even worse (though thankfully it hasn’t happened to me since I was a kid in high school) is when you have to go to the store to buy feminine hygiene products AND THEN present the coupon. I have an idea: take this rusty butter knife and slice my arm and then pour lemon juice all over it.

If you’re a guy and you don’t want to look like the whipped suburbanite that you actually are then hide the damn coupons. Return home with your tail between your legs and tell your wife ‘Oh, no, I forgot to give them the coupons. We can use them next time.’. Afterwards, ceremoniously untuck the tail from between your legs and feel confident that the bunny in the checkout line thought that you were a loaded with cash and didn’t need to use no stinkin’ coupons. If you drive a mini-van, make sure she doesn’t see you get into it.

Being a man means crying at seemingly inopportune moments.
Some people think that being a true man means putting up a stoic front for all occaissions. Nothing will make you cry and you, as the strong male, must maintain a stiff upper lip at all times. They think that real, macho men wouldn’t shed a tear for anything – death of a friend or family member, accidental chopping off of a limb, breaking up with a wife or girlfriend. For whatever reason a real man isn’t supposed to cry. Bull crap.

Men are allowed to cry for the following reasons:

• One of your favorite sports teams has accomplished something spectacular
• The scene from Bambi where his mother dies OR the scene in Dumbo where he’s separated from his mother
• When you stub your pinky toe on something in the middle of the night
• When you really think that you might have a chance smooching a woman if she is able to get a glance of your more emotional side

There may be a few other reasons why you can cry but that about sums it up. Possibly when the 7-11 clerk finds that there is actually one more Big Bite hot dog left when he originally thought he sold out. But that’s ok because if the clerk is a man then it will be okay to shed your tears of joy in front of him because he’ll understand.

Which reminds me: to be honest there is no such thing as ‘tears of joy’ if you’re a man. If you’re happy about something to the point of an emotional outburst then it sure as hell better not be crying. Whoop it up, holler, yell, scream in ecstasy. That’s what men do. We let the world know we’re overjoyed; we don’t hold it in quietly. Screw dat. I’m happy and you’ll know it.

Bah. More on this soon…

EDIT:

Ok, so maybe Michelle Sigona isn’t coming back to wake me up in the mornings. You will sorely be missed. I now no longer have a morning traffic bunny to inform me of tie ups or problems on the roads (even though I currently only work 5 mnutes away from my house). I take solace in the fact that Fox 5 evidently has a knack for hiring flying bunnies! Yay!

As I’m prone to doing I was perusing the local media blog dcrtv.com and ran across an entry that said that two former ‘chopper chicks’ had been nominated by FHM as TV’s Hottest Newswoman. Kerri-Lee Halkett (left) and Amy Robach (right) were the flying Sky Fox before Michelle Sigona. I have faith in you, WTTG FOX 5, that you won’t fail me. For all that is holy, please try your darndest to get Melissa Theuriau. Look! I’ve even added to links to her videos on Google for you to use as an audition tape! Go to her website for even MORE info! Hell, you could sit me in a room with her and have her talk complete and utter nonsense and I’d be happy as a pig in slop.