It looks like I’m back from my long hiatus. Things have still been really tumultuous in my life and it has been really difficult trying to deal with it. In fact, if a Dagwood sandwich was made of crap that would be my life right now – one layer of crap on top of another and I’m supposed to eat it.
Some back story
As I publish this it is July 2, 2017, and Father’s Day was two weeks ago. Father’s Day is pretty tough for me since I lost my dad. I use this site to share my life with people and I’ve been very open about things. I guess some people may think I’m too open about my life (which may be one reason why my second marriage ended). With that said, anyone who reads or stumbles upon this site can see the history of how my father’s passing has had an impact on me.
My divorce hit me really hard and I still haven’t recovered from it. Some people won’t believe me when I say that I still don’t know why I got divorced. Whenever I asked my ex-wife she would tell me “you should know” and wouldn’t fill me in. This has left me confused, feeling inadequate, and supremely depressed.
With those two things out there to help the stage let’s move onto…
Father’s Day 2017
This year I was going through some papers in my home office when I ran into an envelope I hadn’t seen in a while. In fact, it was something that I wrote after my father died and I had been mulling over. What I had found was a letter that I had written to my child. Granted, I know that I never had children but after my father passed away my stance on having children changed significantly. I very much wanted to have children with my wife and writing a letter to my child was a way for me to reaffirm that, yes, this is what I wanted most in the world.
I opened the envelope and re-read what I wrote:
To my child, one of the greatest loves of my life,
I’m not sure how to write this as I’ve never had children before and I don’t really know how to feel. If you’re reading this then a few things may have happened:
- I’m dead and hopefully this letter will reach you
- You are about to get married
- You are about to have your own child
Regardless of the reason I wanted to let you know what your dad thinks about you before you are born.
Please know that your mother and I love you from the bottom of our hearts. No matter what happens you will grow to be an amazing person and there is nothing you can do that will make me love you less. There will be days when we’ll probably want to scream at each other and we’ll fight, tooth and nail, but at the end of the day you will always be my precious child.
I can’t really express how happy you make me feel and you’re not even born yet! You are the result of the immense love that I have for your mother and I cannot wait to hold the both of you in my arms. I’m anxious to meet you, to smell you, to touch you and press you as close to my heart as humanly possible. I can’t wait to watch you grow up, make mistakes, revel in your successes and laugh at the joy of life. I will always be proud of you.
Before you get here let me say that I’m sorry for all the boneheaded things that I will probably do. I’ve never been a father so I’m bound to make mistakes. But I hope you’ll forgive me because I honestly did them with your best interests in mind.
I hope I can speak for your mother when I say that I know that we will make each other cry. We’ll make each other laugh. We’ll learn from each other and hopefully our family will grow stronger.
I have no idea when I’ll meet you but I am already anxious for that day to come.
I love you with all my heart,
Dad
On Father’s Day, 2017, with my life a shambles, I burned my letter.