I like being a guy, really I do. You know all the perks with being a guy – scratching your ass, farting in public, and being a complete idiot is somewhat expected of you. This, my friends, is the Power of the Penis. All hail the Penis! The world revolves around it, doesn’t it? Wars are started over it (Saddam: Screw you, United States! I am hung like a camel and just as ornery! G.W.Bush: Ha! You’re fucked now! Say hello to my little friend!), art pieces are created celebrating it and it is the driving force behind 75% of most male decisions.
But let’s get serious. There are definitely some disadvantages to having one. Here are a few of mine:
- Having one during cold weather sucks. Really, it does. During the summer months the worst you could probably experience would be ‘shrinkage’ from swimming. In cold weather, you’re going to always end up shafted. It gets even worse when you have to use the bathroom. You’re already cold and freezing and then there you are, standing in front of a urinal with your cold hands having to fumble around with your wang. Yeesh. I mean, isn’t it enough that the cold has already caused your penis to try and hibernate for the winter?
- Uncontrollable erections. Talk about the bad. They say that women’s nipples can become erect due to changes in temperature, excitement, fear or any number of things (and don’t think that we don’t spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out if you’re smuggling raisins). Men? Our members can become erect for no reason at all and at the most inopportune times. Normally this is caused by one of two things – 1) Even the slightest hint of something sexual or 2) Any slight stimulation due to movement. What is really puzzling is that it doesn’t even happen on a regular basis. There will be times when you’re looking at someone and you’re thinking ‘Holy God! She’s hot!’ and ** nothing **. Othertimes you’ll just be sitting and you’ll shift your position and ** BOING **. Yeah, have fun trying to hide that.
- Morning glory. Oh, nothing is more humbling than waking up with a full on erection. Okay, yes there is. Still being asleep on your back with a full on erection and then trying to roll onto your stomach. I swear that this was what gave bicycle manufacturers the idea for the kickstand.
I have more but I’m tired of writing. Things like accidentally getting an erection and then having to pee. The damn thing acting like a divining rod whenever bunnies are around. Getting scared of falling on something like a fence post. The list goes on and on and on…