Potty Humor – Part I

Let me be perfectly clear here – this DID NOT happen at work. I know some of my coworkers read this and some of the mechanics sound similar, but this did not happen there!

Part I – Where’s Moses When You Need Him?
With that out of the way, I would also like to point out that I despise public restrooms. Hate them. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate them. Well, if you gotta pee then they’re a necessary evil. However, taking a crap? I’ve found myself clenching my stomach and my butt as if my life depended on it; breaking into a cold sweat and feeling dizzy for the sole purpose of not having to go into a public restroom and take a poop. Repeat after me:

I
Hate
Pooping
In
Public
Restrooms.

So it came to pass that I would eventually wind up in a situation where I would have to use a public facility to take a crap. I have no idea what happened but one day I wound up with “that” urge – the one where your body forcefully takes control of your mind and says “look, I’m going to twist your stomach and your ass to the point where you feel like you’re going to explode. I suggest you hit a bathroom NOW. RUN, MAN! RUN!”. And so I scurried to the closest men’s room that I could find, ass clenched and beads of sweat forming on my forehead.

Upon entering, I was lucky enough to notice that nobody else was there. As soon as I laid my eyes on the toilet sombreros, my stomach screamed at me “STUPID! GO! NOW! YOU’RE ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH TO WHAT FEELS LIKE A 60 POUND POOP AND YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO FUMBLE WITH THAT!” So I opened the stall closest to me, made sure it was as clean as could be and did my business.

I’m sure that several modern men’s and women’s toilets have that new fangled contraption that senses when a person is in front of the toilet and automatically flushes. Sure, it is great – I don’t have to touch anything to flush. However, that day it would prove to be the source of one of my greatest fears.

I have no idea how I did it, but the damn toilet automatically flushed while I was still…uh…using the facility. Granted I was almost done and in the…uh…clean up stage. It surprised the hell out of me though. As I sat there in fear that I would be sucked into the vortex of shit and water I hastened to finish. As everything swirled down the drain I completed my duty (heh! I said ‘duty’) and stood up to pull up and fasten my pants. And as I did it happened.

The toilet flushed. Again. Before it had finished its first cycle.

The rest happened in what seemed to be slow motion. As I rushed to fasten my belt I turned my body around as the second flush began. To my chagrin, the water started rising. And rising. The water level kept going higher and higher. When it passed the ‘normal’ water level of the toilet bowl I hear my brain screaming to every cell and nerve in my body ‘GET OUT!’. By the time I got my hand on the lock of the stall the water had reached the top of the bowl. I flung the door open and stepped out of the stall as fast as I could. As I crossed the threshold I watched as the toilet water overflowed and spilled to the ground.

I was horrified. The toilet had flooded and water was beginning to spread across the entire bathroom. What the heck do you do?! I mean, EW! I rushed back to the sink and washed my hands with scalding hot water and soap. The noise of the flushing, rushing, shushing water had ended and was replaced by the softer sounds of water spreading across the restroom floor. I did what any normal person would do. I left, hands in my pockets, whistling and trying to look inconspicuous. As I passed some guy walking into the restroom I said “Becareful. Some jackass flooded the bathroom in there.” The guy said “Thanks!”.

Part II, entitled “The Scenic View Was A Pisser”, later…