Oy. That last thread went over well. Thanks for taking one for the team, Sid. Liz, don’t make me suspend your account.

Portnoy asked if I have any dirty little tricks. Here is one of my favorites.

Be confident; be determined. Earlier I said that you should be confident with yourself. When you enter a target rich environment find out who you think is interesting and who you want to get to know better. Ok, now that you’ve got that out of the way, be prepared for one of 3 things:

  • You will be phenomenally successful with your wit and charm
  • You will encounter obstacles
  • You will be go down in flames and be scarred emotionally for the next three days

If you’re successful, what are you reading this for? Go read something else and come back here in a few days. If you go down in flames, suck it up and go out there again after a while. There are 7 billion people in the world. There’s gotta be someone out there for you. Let’s look at dealing with your obstacles.

StarCastle!The Dancing Ring of Estrogen Death. Does anyone remember the game “Starcastle”? There was this canon surrounded by rotating energy rings. You manned a space ship and fired lasers at the castle walls. The castle, however, had little stars that would seek you out and destroy you. Shoot enough pieces of the wall and it would regenerate. If you didn’t time your shot well the canon in the middle would shoot a giant energy burst and destroy you. This, my friends, is a metaphor for you meeting that special someone in a club. The target which tickles your fancy is the canon in the middle. And do you know what the castle walls are? The castle walls are actually the “Dancing Ring of Estrogen Death”.

Here’s how this works: a group of women go out dancing. They all know that in their pack there is probably one or two women who attract men like bears to honey. Unfortunately, you’ve got a Mother Love Jones for one of them. They all go out to the dance floor and the hot chick dances either in the middle or behind all her other friends. As you try to shimmy and boogie your way to the hot chick you encounter one of her friends who runs interference. You move to the right, the wall moves to the right or you’re met with another of her friends. You move to the left and you’re met with the slightly homely girl with sharp elbows wearing the leggings which are just a little too tight. Beyond this undulating ring of estrogen you can see the prize – the pretty girl smiling and laughing and inviting you to undertake this Sisyphian task.

How do you get around this? Well, no. You don’t start punching them, dumb ass. This is where your charm and wit (and sometimes wallet) lull them into complacency. Don’t claw your way towards the middle. You’ll wind up being the sacrificial goat thrown to the ogre living under the bridge. Rather than trying to force your way to the hot pants beyond the great wall, make nice-nice with one or more of her foot soldiers.

I hate to say this, but pretend that your intended target was one of them rather than the slinky bunny in the middle.

This requires patience. They can smell the fear on you and you WILL be met with a lot of skepticism. Persevere, my friend. Chat them up. Dance with them. Dance with more than one at a time. Buy them drinks. Dance with them some more. Do not, however, bring up the topic of the hot chick in the middle. There are reasons for this:

  1. The castle walls will think you don’t really have an interest in the hot pants
  2. The hot pants will see how much fun you’re having with her gargoyles and will be intrigued
  3. The hot pants will feel that if you can make her friends laugh and have a good time then you must be a nice guy

Keep this up. After about 3 drinks the Dancing Ring will start to relax. Here’s the cool part. You go out to dance with them again – hot pants on one side of the Dancing Ring and you on the other – but as you’re laughing and gyrating and twisting, stare one of the foot soldiers in the face sing the lyrics of whatever song you’re listening too really loud. She’ll sing with you, trust me. And then sort of dance with her, all the while slowly turning her as you circle around her. Voila. You are now INSIDE the Dancing Ring of Death and pretty much free to lay your mack down on the hot pants.

Hopefully the hot pants were worth it and she’s either really nice, smart, intelligent and beautiful or just really hot and a tramp who puts out like nobody’s business.