Signs That I Should Hibernate Until The World Becomes Nice To Me

Tobey and his Ugg Boot.I was tempted to stay in bed all day today and just wait for it to pass and turn to Monday. I could have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for those two dogs of mine – Grumpy, Old Man & his sidekick Ugg Boot. The Grumpy, Old Man is my dog Farley, of course. He’ll be 10 years old this year. Ugg Boot? That’s Tobey. He got his teeth cleaned on Friday so they needed to shave part of his leg to get a needle in him. The result? He looks like he’s wearing one of those damn Ugg boots on his leg. Or that he’s doing a fairly poor imitation of either a poodle or Luke Skywalker after he got his hand chopped off.

In any event, I digress. Things started poorly early this morning. I couldn’t sleep so I was awake until 3:30am. When I finally did get to sleep I woke up after only an hour because I had bad stomach cramps and I needed to use the bathroom pretty bad. I lept out of bed and rushed to the bathroom only to discover that I had accidentally locked the door last night. So I raced to the kitchen to look for something to unlock the door. In the process I stepped in Ugg Boot’s vomit. I started cursing loudly while both dogs jumped on the bed and assumed sleeping positions.

To them I had become a floor show.

I cleaned up the vomit. Then I started rummaging through the junk drawer and I found a paper clip. I felt like Indiana Jones discovering a crucial piece of a mystical puzzle. I rushed back to my bathroom and shoved the paper clip into the little hole that allows you to unlock the door in case of emergency. The rumbling in my stomach grew to a roar and I clenched with all my might. Suddenly, I heard ‘Click!’ and I was able to turn the knob! There, in the dark, was the cold porcelain savior which is my toilet. I had been saved! Just in the nick of time! I did my business and felt instant relief…

…only to discover that I had run out of toilet paper.

At times like this you start to believe that you’re MacGyver. From my throne I rummaged through the cabinets which were in arms reach. Success! I found a roll of paper towels that I normally use for cleaning the counters! Thank you, Bounty Man! It is safe to say that people don’t give credit to the toilet paper industry that it deserves. Whereas my regular toilet paper feels like soft, fluffy clouds on my delicate bottom the paper towels felt like I was rubbing my arse with porcupines.

When I was done, I flushed the toilet. But this toilet requires that I hold down the handle for it to perform a complete flush (something that the apartment complex should really look into fixing). That’s when the dread started again. The water rose higher and higher but did not flush down. The paper towels had become blockage. It felt like it happened in slow motion. When the water finally reached about an inch from the top of the bowl it finally started draining. Whew! Dodged a bullet with that one.

By this time I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I crawled back into bed and slept for a grand total of two hours. After those precious hours ticked by both dogs decided it was time for me to wake up and take them out. One sat with his face on my pillow with his nose touching my cheek while the other started licking my foot. Fine. FINE! We get up and we go out. And the dogs are more than happy to be out and about.

When I get home I’m was able to rest. While recounting parts of my morning with my wife she slaps me with the wisdom of a person who would have taken the easy, infinitely less stressful way out: Why didn’t you just use the other bathroom?

I’m going back to bed. Wake me up when it is 2010.