Many of you know that I have the sleeping habits of a bat and that I can get by on only a few hours a night. When I say ‘few’, it can be as little as two. Don’t get me wrong – I like sleep. Some of my best friends sleep. I think my parents often sleep, too. But me? Meh. I feel like the world is going by without me if I’m asleep. When I do sleep I find it to be one of those very nice, peaceful places where I can just relax. Well, you would think so. I never knew that going to sleep would actually require The Ancient Arts of Sleep Combat.

I realize that when you’re single, sleeping with someone new is a new and exciting experience. When I was single I couldn’t sleep with a new person unless I was dog tired. It would have to have tried sleeping with them at least three times until I could get a decent night’s sleep. Otherwise, I was either too excited or too paranoid. You know about the excitement part: I just want to be with this person; I want to touch them; I want to see what they’re like while they’re asleep. However, the paranoia part then sets in: please don’t let me drool; will this person be turned off by my snoring?; dammit! I hope I don’t fart.

You know it is true, so shut up.

Luckily, when you get married all of that gets thrown out the window. LOVE ME FOR WHO I AM! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! One of the things that I have noticed is that when you’re married the issue no longer becomes about sleep. The issue is about survival. Survival and territory. Fighting for blankets, fighting for space, fighting for pillows. I thought that I could lead a nice, quiet coexistence with my wife. Little did I know that the beautiful woman that slumbers next to me is actually the Sleeping Angel of Death, well versed in several techniques for sleep survival. The following are a few of the combat techniques we’ve both experienced:

Michael’s Ancient Sleepy-time Defenses

  • Sonic Boom – In an attempt to fortify my own position, this defensive posture requires a repeated, loud audible explosions to keep the enemy at bay. Ok, I snore. So what. Who doesn’t? When I’m exhausted and fall into a deep sleep I’m sure Angela wants to stuff a pillow in my mouth.
  • Evasive Manuevers – During the heat of Sleep Combat, I say screw it and run. Normally, I’ll wake up after a little while and take the dog(s) outside, do some work and eventually try to go back to bed.
  • Super Turtle Defensive Posture – Sometimes when I’m sleeping, I’ll just curl up on my side and tuck myself under the blankies. Sort of like an armadillo.

Of course, there is a yin to my yang.

Angela’s Super Destructive Offensive Firepower

  • Knee of Oblivion – When in my Super Turtle Defensive Position, I normally turn away from Angela. This leaves my back exposed and vulnerable. It is at this time that she has a knack for turning around to face me and quickly raising her Knee of Oblivion right into my spine, normally causing me to yelp and wince in agony. Seriously. If you’ve ever witnessed Kickboxing or a Muy Thai tournament, you know what I’m talking about. Heaven forbid that I’m not in the fetal position and she catches me in the kidney or in the groin
  • Wings of Death – My beautiful wife sometimes forgets that there is another human being in bed with her and, in doing so, lets those elbows fly. There have been many a night when I’ve been quietly sleeping and she begins to flail in bed, trying to get comfortable. BLAM! Elbow square in the face.
  • Uppercut of Doom – there have been times when I’ve been asleep and I’ve been facing Angela. Typical position, no? I need a freaking football helmet because there have been a few times where, while in this position, Angela tries to get comfy and will swing a BALLED UP FIST up from her waist. She’s caught me in the nose, in the chin, in the neck and in the eye with this move.

There are also some common moves between us:

  • Tomb of 1,000 Corpses – This is more commonly referred to as morning breath. Eeeeeyew! You know what it is like – you wake up and you just feel like there are a thousand rotting bodies in your mouth.
  • The Deep Freeze – This is when you steal all the blankets and cause your partner to shiver like a newborn baby.
  • Burning Man – Conversely, when you feel really warm you remove all the blankets and comforters from you and pile them on your sleeping partner, causing them to have dreams of burning in hell or walking through the desert.

Of course there are times when we fight a common enemy. Everynight, Noah’s Ark jumps onto the bed to say goodnight. First Farley, who takes up residence at the foot of the bed, and then Tobey and finally Cleo, the fat cat. With their keen animal instinct, though, they know when a battle is about to break out and all three jump off the bed as soon as we’re asleep.

The only thing that sort of worries me is that Angela’s sleeping combat skills really do hurt sometimes as they are a mixture of pure boxing and Thai boxing.

Wait a second. What if she isn’t sleeping…???