Merry Christmas, Rumpshaker, and other holiday thoughts

Christmas presents. Oy, oy, oy…what a horrible time of the year. I’m never good at finding and buying presents for people. It wasn’t until recently that I finished buying presents for my wife, Angela, and I spent a good part of the last few weeks trying to figure out a cool present to give her. A Snuggie? Bah, that’s sooooo last year. Zhu Zhu pet? Gave that to my nieces last year, too. I was pretty much stuck.

Earlier this month I was at Sam’s house waiting to go out for drinks with him and Laura. While Sam hopped in the shower to get ready, I was left to amuse myself with television. As I skipped through the channels there was one that smacked me in the face and said ‘MICHAEL! THIS IS THE NEXT BIG THING!!!’
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I do believe it was the philosophy of the school of Wreckx-N-Effect which stated

Let me see you do the booty hop
and now make the booty stop
Now drop and do the booty wop…

All I want to do is zoom a zoom zoom, indeed.

I considered buying her the Booty Pop Panties – 2 pair for only $19.95 +Shipping and handling! It seemed perfect! So controversial, so out of the ordinary so new and fresh! Then it dawned on me that I had seen similar technology many, many, many years ago in the back pages of Jet magazine as well as the Frederick’s of Hollywood catalog. I thought about it more and I kept having visions of being smacked in the head with a frying pan. In the end (get it?) I decided on getting her what she wanted: flying trapeze lessons. I’ll have to find the bleeding edge ‘cool’ gift next year.

A few observations

This past season I’ve had the opportunity to stand back and take stock of the holidays.

  • Do not wear khaki pants and a red knit shirt into a Target unless you want people to think you work there.
  • Those people who are responsible for plowing snow obviously don’t know how streets work. You can tell because they plow without any regard for how lanes, traffic lights and intersections are set up. You know, so people can drive without abruptly having to merge while traversing an ‘S’ curve.
  • Black Friday brings out the worst in people. Ok, I’ll be more specific: it brings out the worst in me. I can’t tell you how many times I thought about clubbing the people in front of me in order to get them out of my way.
  • Do not wear khaki pants and a blue knit shirt into a Best Buy unless you want people to think you work there.
  • Even during this recession children today still don’t know how good they’ve got it.
  • What happened to Thanksgiving? Why the hell are there Valentine’s Day decorations out now?!
  • Don’t go to Home Depot wearing an orange apron unless you want people to think you work there.
  • If I’m going to pay upwards to $150 per ticket to go to a New Year’s Eve party then you’re damn right there better be an open bar. And you can bet that I’ll do my best to consume at least $150 worth of liquor.

The holidays. What a pain in the ass. Maybe a pair of Booty Pop Panties would make it less so…

Merry Christmas. My next post will be on the 26th and it won’t be so happy :/