Waiting for the Zombie Apocalypse

After my last post which I questioned the number of 5 year old children I’d be able take on I found myself mulling over the solutions regarding the impending zombie horde. At least six people who read my last post asked me about the number of zombies I’d be able to take on. I, in turn, discovered that to look at this problem adequately I’d have to answer it in two parts: finding the ideal place to hole up and hide and then, once my fortress of solitude had been compromised, finally getting down to brass tacks and fighting the undead.

The ideal place to hide
Let’s say that eventually the day (night?) comes and for whatever reason there is a zombie apocalypse. Movies and television shows have explored the many venues where you could hide. Most of them have been crap. Remember the group of people who were barricading themselves in an old country house in ‘Night of the Living Dead’? How well did that work out for them? In a real world situation where id have to battle it out with the brain suckers in my neck of suburbia outside Washington, DC, I, along with several other people who took the time to mull it over with me this past week, narrowed the ideal places to stage a last stand for humanity. Among those places were

Super Wal-Mart
Dick’s Sporting Goods

Notice that they’re mostly general purpose box stores? This limits the number of entrances youd have to fortify and protect. A lot of people would say ‘shopping mall’ and we concluded that would be a bad idea. There are labyrinthine passageways all over the place, your survival rations would be limited to your supply of Auntie Anne’s and smoothies, and the shear size of the place makes it that much more difficult to protect.

Costco has almost everything you’d need in bulk. There aren’t that many weak points or glass doors used as entrances. If you need to you could defend from the freezer area or cLimb up to higher shelves.

Andrew brought up Super Wal-Mart. His rationale was that it is almost as good as Costco when it comes down to rations and supplies. What pushes it over the top, though, is that it sells guns and ammunition.

Dick’s has an abundance of weapons but your sustenance would be relegated to freeze dried camping food, Luna bars and the M&Ms that they pimp at the registers. The down side to the Dick’s near my house is that it is attached to the mall, it has multiple stories, and it has gigantic entrances.

The final fight for your humanity
Which brings us to the fight against the zombies. Let’s play hypotheticals and say that I’m by myself and able to secure myself in a Costco with the world crumbling around me. After realizing what’s happened and watching it on the news (on my 55″ flatscreen from Sony!) I’d take the first two hours of my time and make sure every door was locked and chained with something large and heavy blocking it. Hell, I’ve got a fleet of forklifts to work with! Why not? After that, it would be time to batten down the windows.

After making sure that I only have one entrance which allows me to move in and out I’d work on securing a perimeter around my Costco. Where possible I’d set up CCTV cameras and then begin rigging traps within a 30 yard radius. After that’s done, lock myself inside and then begin working on my interior fortifications. I’d do my damnedest to make sure these mofos have to go throughout a gauntlet if they want my prime piece of brain food.

After a few hours gorging on Twinkies and playing video games I’d begin arming my fleet of forklifts and spread them around the store. I’d pack numerous backpacks with supplies and tools and make sure that they were easy to get to if I had to grab one and escape. My escape vehicle? Costco has bikes 🙂

And the final battle? I think that after all is said and done and I was able to accomplish everything above I’d ultimately be able to take down about 1-200. After that it would come down to how much stamina i have for close quaffed combat with a swarm of foes that are relentless and will not stop. Until they get the opportunity to chomp me. I’d hope that all my zombie enemies are slow and not very agile. Actual fighting while avoiding being bitten would probably result in 15 of them going down. They’ve got numbers, no capacity for pain and a single objective in mind.

Otherwise, I’d just crack open one of those 5 gallon cans of BBQ sauce and pour it over me and hope that I at least causes them indigestion.