Halloween my hiney.

I hate Halloween. You have no idea how much I hate it. It is the complete opposite of how Angela feels. She LOVES it. Me, I get freaked out by it. Have you seen ‘The Crow’? Did you see what happens on ‘Devil’s Night’?! Oh, hell no. I am deathly afraid of things that I can’t kill. Ghosts, mosters, zombies, demons all freak me out. Sure, call me a wuss, I don’t care. The mere thought of something being able to kill me while I’m just a sitting duck just doesn’t appeal to me.

Nevermind the fact that all these goofy ass children get to dress up and walk door to door begging for candy. Who thought of this master plan? I think it was the dentists. You know it wasn’t the parents because who in their right mind would say “I can’t wait to have to go shopping for a costume for my kid and then escort their ass around the neighborhood.” Bah, humbug. Come on, kids. Come to my house. Come to my house and collect the caramel covered rock that I have for you. Yum!

And then there’s the entire decoration aspect of Halloween. Once Columbus Day rolls around I begin to cringe because I know that I’m going to have to start stringing lights up for this holiday. Stupid orange and white and purple lights. How about this: If the kids and grown ups can dress up for Halloween and pretend to be something else, why can’t I do the same thing to my house? Hey, look! Little Jane is dressed up like Wonder Woman! Guess what! My house has costume on, too! I call it ‘Christmas Village’! Neat, huh? Now I don’t have to go through the trouble of redecorating it for the next few holidays. If I was smart, I would center my light decoration around Christmas:

Halloween – Dress up the house in red and white lights and Christmas decorations as its costume.
Thanksgiving/Christmas – No change
New Year – No change
Valentine’s Day – just remove the wreaths and other Christmasy decoration but leave the red and white lights

That brings me all the way up until what? St. Patrick’s Day? That would be pretty spiffy.

Halloween, phooey. All you kids and adults go ahead and run around in your costumes and scary stuff. I prefer to just cower in my house eating all of this cheap candy. The rest of you can enjoy the caramel covered rocks that I left out for you.