Don’t Look At Me In Disgust; I’m Disgusting!

Oy. Today was just one of those days that I’m glad it was the weekend and not a workday. If what happened to me today happened at work, I’d have to quit my job and move to yet ANOTHER state. We’ve all had those days where the world looks you square in the eyes and dares you to get out of bed. Trust me – when you get to that point, stare the world back in the face and just go back to bed.

The day started with me and the boys (my dogs, Farley & Tobey) lounging around the apartment watching Neon Genesis Evangelion. We finally made it to the last DVD of the Platinum release. Tobey was lazily sleeping at the base of the couch while Farley was snoozing on the couch with me, he on one end and me on the other. Suddenly, he lifted his head and yawned and then stared at me smiling. I looked back at him and said ‘What? What is it boy?’ Tobey stirred himself awake and walked over to the floor in the kitchen and lay down. I finally discovered why: Farley let out a noxious fart. Dear. God. In. Heaven. I screamed out ‘GAAAAAAGH!’ and lit candles all over the place. Farley, the old billy goat that he’s turned out to be, smiled at me some more and then stretched himself out across the entire couch with all four legs in the air. I had been evicted from my seat by a cunning, disgusting watermelon with four legs.

The second instance of my bad luck was when I felt I had something in my nose. Have you ever had one of those feelings like there is something stuck in your nasal cavity? You keep blowing and blowing and nothing comes out. You blow some more and you get a little bit of snot and your eyes are all watery and you just know that there’s something stuck there between your throat and you nose. Finally, after about 15 minutes of trying to blow something out of your schnozz you start to doubt yourself. Maybe that weird feeling will go away. There probably wasn’t anything there at all! Nothing! Nada! Zip, zero, zilch!

Yeah. Right.

Sitting in front of my computer about an hour after my nose blowing spree, I felt that I feeling again. I reached for my kleenex and right when I was about to blow my nose it happened. I sneezed. No, not just sneezed. I SNEEZED. I sneezed so hard and so loud that I hit my head on my desk. Again, my eyes were watery and my nose felt tingly. I was a little dizzy. I was about wipe my forehead, as if to say ‘whew! that was an intense sneeze!’ when I noticed that I not only sneezed, I also somehow pressed the eject button for my nasal cavity. My kleenex and my hands were covered in what could only be described as Slimer from Ghost Busters. I was both proud and disgusted with myself at the same time.

My final disgrace came when I went shopping for dinner. I make it a point to shop for food stuffs ever other night or so. I did well hanging out at the Harris Teeter. There I was with my little basket, saying high to people and smiling. Everyone was so pleasant and smiled back at me. It was nice. I spent about an hour there. When I got home I noticed one small issue.

My fly was wide open. W—I—D—E open. I thank God that I wore underwear. However, my tshirt was a nice, bright white. Wearing a safety orange tshirt with the words ‘Hey! Look at my junk!’ and an arrow pointing to my crotch would have had the exact same effect.
Next time, world, I’m not taking your challenge. You can wake me up when cartoons are on.